Truth Serum

 

Merlin woke up again, sweating and panicked. She had another dream. This time, she had ridden alongside Arthur, riding a black horse similar to the Black Knight’s. She had cut through the army they were facing mercilessly with her glass sword.

 

Blood had stained it heavily.

 

Nervously getting up, she quickly got herself ready, surprised to see Gaius already up.

 

“You’re up early, Gaius,” she gave him a small smile.

 

“I have things that need to be prepared for a client. While I am waiting for the herbs to finish boiling, do you want to continue practicing your aura sight?” Gaius asked.

 

She nodded, hoping that the practice would get her mind off the dream.

 

“Okay. Anger.”

 

Gaius did his best to become angry and she observed the muddied red aura surrounding her uncle.

 

“Jealousy.”

 

And the muddied red aura turned a dark forest green. She did a couple more aura readings before deciding that was enough.

 

“Ah, I think it’s time for me to meet Arthur,” Merlin commented, giving a mock salute before leaving. That wasn’t quite true. She still had around an hour left before having to wake up and get Arthur ready. But it was time to meet Uther.

 

“Morning,” Merlin greeted distractedly.

 

“What’s wrong this time?”

 

She blinked and looked at him. “What do you mean?”

 

“You’re distracted. Why?”

 

“I had another dream,” she muttered.

 

“Tell me about it,” he ordered.

 

She hesitated, “Remember when I told you I first had a dream?”

 

He nodded so she told him what that dream had been about before talking about her most recent dream.

 

“I see. Not that I’m happy about being assassinated, I’ll be looking forward to that future. Arthur will shape our kingdom, and you will be at his side.”

 

His implications were not missed on her, but she ignored it as per usual. He was right on a platonic level at least. With her at his side, Arthur would rule Camelot and his kingdom and bring it towards greatness. She would happily be by Arthur’s side, doing as he asked of her and serving him until the end.

 

“Arthur will be missing you by now,” Uther hurried her along.

 

She huffed, but left with a backwards wave. After dealing with Arthur, she went outside to roam around and caught sight of a very familiar figure.

 

“Mother?”

 

“Merlin!” her mother rushed towards her and hugged her tightly. “How is my daughter doing?”

 

Merlin smiled widely and led her mother to Gaius’, talking about everything that’s happened, while leaving some things out. She noticed the huge bruising on her mother’s face and Hunith reluctantly told her about it.

 

They reached Gaius’, where Hunith repeated what she’d told Merlin, and Merlin wondered if she should go to Uther or Arthur. If she went straight to Uther, it would be suspicious. But Arthur was her friend and could just as easily get an audience with the King for her, especially if Uther knew it was for her. Not suspicious at all…

 

When Arthur succeeded, in joy she excitedly grabbed him and pulled him into a hug. Realizing what she’d done, she harshly pushed Arthur away, leaving him bewildered. She rushed away to grab her mother and tell her of the news. Hunith and Gaius followed after her, and soon Hunith was talking to the King.

 

But by the look on Uther’s face and the quick apologetic glance only she caught directed at her, Merlin could already feel her hope sinking. And she understood even before Uther started talking.

 

“This is very unfortunate, and I truly wish to help. But to send soldiers there would be seen as an act of war. I am sorry.”

 

And that was the end of it. Hunith had to go back, and Merlin had already decided she would be going with her.

 

“I truly am sorry,” Uther muttered before Merlin even had a chance to say anything.

 

Only looking weary and resigned, and only the slightest resentful, Merlin nodded.

 

“I understand and would not have you risk war.”

 

“I figured you would,” Uther gave a wry smile. “I was hoping you would fight me more on it, so that I would feel less guilty and forget my guilt by being angry at your insolence. But you keep understanding and learning to just accept it.”

 

“I know, but that’s just how it is,” she returned the wry smile.

 

“I know my son will be going after you, and no doubt Morgana and her servant are making plans as we speak to follow you to Ealdor.”

 

Merlin rolled her eyes, “Arthur will not. He has to stay here. And Morgana and Gwen are stubborn, but I’m sure I can somehow trick them into staying.”

 

Uther chortled loudly, shocking her and irritating her at the same time.

 

“What?” she growled.

 

“You naïve, clueless girl. When Morgana has her mind set on something, nothing will change it. And Arthur is worse, especially when it comes to you. Besides, Arthur is like me. He is possessive of what he considers his. If you truly think they will be left behind, then you are mistaken. They will follow you.”

 

She glared and sniffed in displeasure.

 

Uther chuckled, but it dwindled down until he was solemn. “Follow me.”

 

Anxious at the sudden change in his mood, she followed him until they reached his chambers. Inside, he immediately headed to his wardrobe.

 

“You’re not going to fit me into another dress, are you?” she muttered, averting her eyes to the ground and wondering what was he up to.

 

But instead of the rustling of cloth, she heard slight clanking and she slowly looked up until she saw Uther coming towards her, holding onto chain mail.

 

“This was the chain mail I wore in my youth. It should fit you.”

 

She gaped soundly, before shaking her head vigorously. “I can’t!”

 

He raised an eyebrow. “And why not?”

 

“Because! I-I just can’t!”

 

Ignoring her, he shoved the chain mail at her and then pulled out the black surcoat underneath it, unraveling it and holding it spread evenly for her to see. The Pendragon symbol was etched onto the front in silver.

 

“When I was still a Prince, Ingraine had this made for me. It was one of the first gifts she’d ever given me, and I’ve never used it. That was a shame. I would like you to use it.”

 

“Now I definitely can’t use that,” she protested.

 

Both eyebrows were raised this time. “Would you prefer my red surcoat then? It would be rather large on you, considering my size…and I prefer black on you than the shade of red the Pendragon clan uses…”

 

“It’s not the color…It’s your things. Especially the surcoat. That was a gift from your wife. It must be very special to you.”

 

Uther sighed. “It is special to me. But I always had the sense that Ingraine was disappointed that I never used it, which I would have but I treasured it too much and wanted to keep it intact. But I’m sure she would be happy to see it used and worn by someone I trusted.”

 

She reluctantly accepted it. “Why did she make it black?”

 

He immediately took the chain mail and surcoat from her, placing the surcoat over his shoulder as he tossed the chain mail over her head and adjusted it on her.

 

“The Dubois family colors were black and silver, as you saw with the wraith of Ingraine’s brother Tristan, just as the Pendragon family colors are scarlet and gold. She had the surcoat made in her family’s colors to signify our union. It was her engagement gift to me.”

 

“Are you sure you want me to wear this?” she muttered.

 

“Very. Now let’s see how you look,” he said as he finished putting the surcoat over the chain mail. “Fits well, not too big…You’ll look fine on the battlefield.”

 

She turned red in embarrassment, “I can’t go out like this…people will ask questions. And if I bring it with me and wear it there, Arthur will recognize his own family symbol. He’ll definitely be questioning me.”

 

“I’ve only dressed you up in it for now so that I could see how well it fits and if it needed any adjustments, and to see how it looks on you. But you wear it well enough. And for Arthur, just tell him it is a loan from me and an apology for not being able to do more for your situation.”

 

Merlin looked closely at him, confused but grateful. She took off the chain mail and surcoat, folding them and tucking them under her arm.

 

“I really can’t help your mother. Know that this isn’t your family versus mine, Merlin. You are part of my family now, and if I could do anything for you –I would.”

 

She gaped stupidly at him, even more when he took his sword and handed it to her, scabbard and all.

 

“It is not as extravagant as the sword you made for Arthur, but I’ve used it in battle many times. It has served me well, as you have, and I hope it will serve you well.”

 

Numbly taking it, she almost fainted when Uther yanked his livery collar off his neck and shoved it towards her.

 

“If you keep handing me things, I’m just going to faint,” she looked panicked.

 

“Just take it. Wear it for good luck, wrap it around your arm under your clothing. This also really is my apology for not being able to do more for you.”

 

She quickly hugged him before she could change her mind, then left quickly, leaving father bewildered like she had the son. She had to leave before he decided to hand her his crown next, and before she decided to panic and give back everything and then faint.

 

Finding Arthur on the battlements, she hesitantly approached him, glad that she’d packed the stuff Uther had gave her away already.

 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. If it had been my decision, we would already be on the way there.”

 

Merlin shook her head, smiling sadly. “You did all you could, and I’m very grateful. Thank you for getting an audience with the King.”

 

“I wish Camelot could help anyone, regardless how far away they live,” Arthur mumbled, glancing at her regretfully.

 

“I’m going back to Ealdor,” she told him.

 

He looked sharply at her before forcibly making himself look neutral. “Of course.”

 

“It’s been an honor serving you,” she lightly touched his shoulder, before her hand retracted. His hand shot out and grabbed it, stilling it.

 

“You’ll be coming back?” and the undertone of hope and pain mixed bothered her.

 

“She’s my mother. I have got to look after her before anyone else. You understand?”

 

His eyes fluttered closed and he took her hand he was holding and held it to his cheek.

 

“I’d do exactly the same. Well…you’ve been terrible. Really. I mean it, the worst servant I’ve ever had,” he solemnly said as he nuzzled her hand, only hint of a joke was the small smile on his lips.

 

“Thank you, Sire,” her own lips tugged into a slight smile.

 

Suddenly, he pulled her close, tilting his head towards hers. In panic, she took both hands and pushed them against him. She was shocked when he grabbed her wrists, holding them tightly against his chest.

 

“You’re leaving, Merlin. And you’re implying you’re not coming back. Let me have this. Just this one kiss. Please,” he murmured against her temple.

 

Caving, she sighed and nodded. She tilted her head up and her lips met his, allowing him to push closer and slant his lips. There was something much more intimate in this than the kiss they shared when she had been trying to seduce him, even though it was less passion-filled.

 

Breaking it off before Arthur decided that he wasn’t going to let her go, she tried to smile at him one last time before she ran off.

 

She was going to go to Gwen for a sword, but now that Uther had thrust his own at her she didn’t see the need. She did need to say goodbye though, and since she couldn’t find Morgana, she could send her goodbyes through Gwen.

 

“I heard you had chain mail and a sword already,” Gwen teased when Merlin had settled into her home, drinking some water before she had to set off.

 

“It’s a loan,” Merlin grinned in a strained way. ‘From the King actually, not that I would say that…’

 

“By who?”

 

Merlin laughed nervously, “Hehe, just…by someone you don’t know.”

 

Gwen thankfully accepted that, so Merlin relaxed a fraction.

 

“So I don’t have to pack you chain mail and a sword,” Gwen stated, taking a chain mail and a sword and putting it to the side. Merlin saw there were still a pair of swords.

 

“Gwen…you can’t come. You have to stay and serve Morgana,” Merlin hoped that the second sword wouldn’t belong to the Lady.

 

“We’re both coming, and there’s really nothing you can do about it. We’re all set, got ready before you came. So even if you leave without us, we’d follow,” Morgana appeared, dressed for travel and for fighting.

 

“Why would you?” Merlin hid her cringe.

 

“Because you would do the same for us. And you have. You saved my life,” Gwen answered softly.

 

“And you helped me with the Druid boy. We both owe you, Merlin,” Morgana finished.

 

‘Oh hell, they’re both cornering me, just like Uther said they would.’ She hated it when the King was right.

 

“You two shouldn’t come. It’s not your problem and you shouldn’t concern yourselves in this,” Merlin stated firmly.

 

Both Morgana and Gwen smirked at the same time eerily, sending shivers down Merlin’s spine and setting off warning signals in her head.

 

“I’m leaving now. Goodbye both of you,” Merlin frowned at them, getting up from her chair and moving to leave.

 

They stepped in front of her before she even took one step away from her seat.

 

“Not so fast,” Gwen’s smirk widened.

 

“I don’t think so, Merlin. We figured you’d say it wasn’t our problem and then try to leave. We planned ahead,” Morgana’s smirk look decidedly downright evil.

 

“We spiked your drink with a tasteless sleeping drought that I got from Gaius before I came here to meet with you,” Gwen smugly elaborated on their plan.

 

Merlin stared. Then, suddenly, she started laughing raucously, doubling over. The two looked uncertainly at each other.

 

“Okay.” Then Merlin held out her arms, looked up and down and then around herself. “Doesn’t look like the drought you swiped worked. You probably grabbed the wrong one.”

 

Giggling, the sorceress stepped around them and then headed to the door before she took some wobbly steps.

 

“Huh…what?” Merlin mumbled before collapsing.

 

“Worked after all,” Morgana sighed in relief. “Must’ve been a delayed reaction.”

 

“But I didn’t swipe the drought. Gaius gave it to me,” Gwen said confused.

 

“I don’t think Merlin really thought Gaius would actually help us drug him.”

 

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Sadly enough, Merlin was out the entire time. Morgana and Gwen dragged her body to meet with Hunith at Gaius’, before all three of them left for Ealdor. Hunith was still staring at them strangely.

 

When they set up camp in the forest, Merlin was still out. In the darkness of the night, Arthur caught up to them and said he was joining. Then he looked over to Merlin’s unconscious body and looked questioningly at them.

 

“We drugged him,” Gwen answered cheerfully.

 

Arthur gaped at her as she and Morgana headed to bed.

 

When they headed out in the morning, Arthur was holding the unconscious Merlin as they rode together on the horse. Merlin groaned and realized she was riding on a horse that she wasn’t controlling, and that she was leaning against a broad chest.

 

“Morning, Sleeping Beauty,” a familiar voice said in a half-sarcastic half-cheery tone.

 

She slowly leaned her head back more until she finally saw his face smiling down at her arrogantly.

 

“All three of you are insane,” she groaned again.

 

“You’re kind of light for a guy, you know that Merlin?” Arthur teased.

 

Merlin glared at him from her position, “I let you kiss me because you convinced me you wouldn’t have an opportunity ever again. You’re here now, you smug liar.”

 

Arthur apologetically looked at her, admitting quietly, “You would never kiss me otherwise. I took advantage of the moment, even when I knew I would come after you anyway.”

 

“Why is it so hard to stay angry at you?” she glared at him.

 

“Because I’m so lovable?” he returned with a proud grin.

 

She hit his shoulder hard and focused on ignoring him for the rest of the journey to her home village. When they neared Ealdor, they saw it being attacked. Arthur smoothly pulled out an extra sword, easily missing her, and then gracefully tossed it straight through the air as a warning shot to the leader. It hit the post behind the man Merlin guessed was Kanan.

 

The group disembarked from their horses and engaged with an opponent each. Merlin was actually glad about the torture Arthur and Uther put her through, though generally more for Uther. Arthur just attacked and made the fight rather one-sided, but he did teach her specific moves at least. Uther, though, was very painstakingly obsessive and thorough on teaching her, and made sure she was taught properly. She didn’t know which one was worse.

 

When her opponent cornered her, Merlin’s eyes flashed and lightning lanced through the swords, shocking her attacker’s hands and dropping his sword. The man stumbled back, staring down at his unresponsive hands. Glaring at her, he charged forward and tried to hit her, only for his arms to lay flaccid by his sides and ending up stumbling forward. She smirked at his fallen and twitching form.

 

That had been specially taught by and created by Edwin Muirden. The ability to manipulate the bioelectricity around a person. He had been in the middle of developing the technique when he’d died, but all of his notes and equipment were left to her. With the basic training he’d given her on it, she’d managed to continue perfecting her control to the level Edwin had had at the point of his death. And with his notes, she was hoping to moving beyond and reaching the ideal usage that Edwin had been working towards.

 

It had been her favorite part of what she’d learned from him.

 

The battle was over before it had even begun, and Arthur was introduced. She recognized William making a big scene and resolved to talk to him later, after she’d helped Arthur, Morgana, and Gwen settle into her home.

 

“I…recognize that sword,” Arthur stated in surprise in the hut.

 

Merlin flinched. “Ah, this sword?”

 

Arthur blinked and looked confused at her. “Why do you have my father’s sword?”

 

She flinched again, having thought that if Arthur were to start questioning her it would’ve been with the surcoat. She had not thought of Uther’s sword being recognized. Swallowing her nervousness down, she tried to speak the rehearsed reply she had thought over endlessly.

 

“The King told me he was sorry that he couldn’t help, but that he wished in some way he could. He said that he would lend me his sword and an old surcoat so that the spirit of Camelot may be with me to fight against the raiders, since Camelot itself cannot help now.”

 

Arthur nodded slowly, with Morgana and Gwen listening quietly in the background. Her own mother was listening curiously.

 

“I see then. Well, let’s take a look at that surcoat. It would be a shame if Father just handed it to you and didn’t see if it fit properly. Wouldn’t want you to be dwarfed in it, you see,” Arthur said light-heartedly, but his eyes were hard to read. He took out the black surcoat, faltering at the unusual colors and surprise at the Pendragon symbol clear on his face for a moment, he gently pulled it over her head and let it fall down around her body.

 

“It fits almost perfectly,” the Prince murmured, staring.

 

Merlin stayed quiet.

 

“I’m assuming the chain mail is from him as well?” Arthur questioned. “They’re very useful and you seem capable of wearing them well. And I’m rather proud of the way you handled the sword. I would’ve thought you would have dropped it at first move.”

 

She rolled her eyes and smirked at him. If only he knew his father was helping to teach her…One day, one day…she was going to beat Arthur with her newly developed sword skills and lord it over him.

 

“I, um…have to go to talk to William,” Merlin said, trying to escape from the questions that might still be coming.

 

Arthur furrowed his eyebrows. “The bloke that was complaining about me helping the village?”

 

“Yes, him,” Merlin frowned at him.

 

“Right. I have no idea what his problem is, and I hope you tell him that.”

 

She rolled her eyes.

 

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Her talk with Will hadn’t gone well. At all.

 

“He knows what he's doing. You've got to trust him. Look, when I first met Arthur, I was exactly like you. I hated him. I thought he was pompous and arrogant.”
 

“Well, nothing's changed there, then.”
 

“But in time I came to respect him for what he stands for, what he does.”

“I know what he stands for. Princes, kings, all men like him.”

 
“Will, don't bring what happened to your father into this.”

“I'm not. Why are you defending him so much? You're just his servant.”

“He's also my friend!”

“Friends don't lord it over one another.”

“He isn't like that.”

“Really? Well, let's wait until the fighting begins and see who he sends in to die first. I guarantee you it won't be him.”

“I trust Arthur with my life.

“Is that so? So he knows your secret then?”

 

“…”

 

“Face it, Merlin. You're living a lie just like you were here. You're Arthur's servant, nothing more. Otherwise you'd tell him the truth.”

 

It wasn’t like she bloody could. For one, Uther practically forbid it. And yes, she was worried how he would take it. And if she told him about her magic, she’d have to reveal her agreement to his father (and every other damned secret she had). While she wasn’t sure if Uther still meant it, he had told her before he would have her executed if she ever told about the accord they had.

 

“You’ve slept on the floor for most of your life?” Arthur asked in the cover of the night.

 

“Yeah...the bed I have in Camelot is a luxury.”

 

“It must have been hard.”

 

“Like a rock,” she quipped.

 

“Idiot. I meant life. Living like this…”

 

“No, not really. We don’t really know any better. Everything’s very simple for us and we were just satisfied with having food and a place to call home. You’d hate it,” Merlin remarked good-naturedly.

 

“No doubt,” Arthur admitted with a laugh.”Why’d you leave?”

 

Merlin faltered. “Things just…changed.”

 

“How?”

 

When she was wondering how to answer that, Arthur actually planted his foot on her face and pushed it.

 

“Stop trying to be interesting. Just tell me,” he ordered jokingly.

 

“I just didn’t fit in anymore,” she muttered. “I wanted to find a place I could fit in.”

 

“Had any luck?”

 

“I’m not sure yet,” she answered absentmindedly.

 

She was surprised when Arthur sat up, effortlessly moving quickly to her side and behind her. She was about to sit up when he lay back down and wrapped his arms around her.

 

“You fit perfectly with me,” Arthur murmured into her hair.

 

“How many times do we have to have this conversation?” Merlin asked wearily, though she made no move to leave his arms. She supposed she was too tired to fight him on it right then.

 

“I don’t care, Merlin. Why are you so against being with me?”

 

“Because,” she shuffled around in his arms until she faced him, looking at him solemnly. “One day, you will be King. You will need a wife that will bear you an heir, one that will be approved of being with you. I will be happy serving you loyally, watching over you. I can’t get in the way of your rule.”

 

“That’s horse shit,” he frowned. “I don’t want anyone but you. I will have no wife then.”

 

She sighed, “You need a wife to be Queen, so she could bear you an heir to the throne. May I remind you, Sire, that I am male?” The well-practiced lie slid off her lips, and somewhere in her she regretted the lie and the need for it. She also regretted that the first part was so true. She could no more be his wife than his lover.

 

As a sorceress, she may come to be respected as an important advisor and of higher rank than all but the King and Queen (in the future, of course), but she would never be accepted as more than that. Magic had no business ruling.  Most magic-users knew their place; it’s why they were never in a position of sovereign. Those with magic already had such fearsome power, why add more?

 

Though, after Uther’s rather idiotic decision to eradicate all forms of magic from his kingdom, that blasé attitude was thrown away and magic-users have become restless, agitated and more or less vengeful and power-hungry since then. Shame that.

 

“I want no Queen,” Arthur quietly but firmly reaffirmed to her. “And I will have none. And for this night, let me at least hold you in contentment until you pull away and leave me cold once again.”

 

The next morning, she had already slipped from Arthur’s possessive hold before light had even risen, and she watched the sun rise from her spot slightly away from Arthur’s sleeping form.

 

“Merlin,” he sighed in his sleep, and she glanced over to him, feeling conflicted.

 

“He must care for you a great deal,” her mother’s voice interrupted her thoughts.

 

“It isn’t me personally,” Merlin denied. “It’s just the way he is, and whether it’s me or someone else or any other village, Arthur would help in any way he could.”

 

“It’s more than that. He’s here for you,” Hunith insisted, and Merlin got the vaguest sense her mother was channeling Uther in his insistence of this certain topic.

 

“Don’t be silly, Mother,” she muttered.

 

Hunith smiled affectionately at her daughter. “Merlin, I heard him just now. He speaks your name in sleep, and follows you here even when his station demands him not to. And last night, I must admit I wasn’t quite asleep and heard his confessions. And the fact my own daughter is pretending to be a man.”

 

“It’s a long story,” she twitched.

 

“You must tell it to me sometime.”

 

Merlin breathed in the fresh air to calm her frazzled nerves, taking a hand and running it through her loose hair. The slight jangle of Uther’s livery collar brought attention to it, and she stared at it in thought. But she’d forgotten her mother was still there.

 

“Is…that the King’s necklace?”

 

She muttered a curse to herself. “Mother, it isn’t what it looks like. I didn’t steal it. He…lent it to me. For luck,” Merlin admitted.

 

Hunith watched her curiously. “I saw him. Everyone was looking to me, but I was looking to him. I caught the quick look he sent you, an apology written on his face that was directed towards you before being wiped so no one else could noticed.”

 

“I thought no one caught that,” she winced.

 

“Only me, my daughter. Don’t worry. Whatever is going on, it is still secret between you and His Majesty.” Hunith studied her only daughter for a moment. “You know, you never knew your father here. I am glad in Camelot, you have come to find a father figure that I’ve always regretted you not having here.”

 

“Mother…” Merlin groaned and crossed her arms behind her head, looking lazily into the sun. “Don’t tell them this, because really –I’m still in denial even though I’ve already acknowledged it as truth –but I know I’ve reluctantly been pushed into accepting I was somehow adopted into this dysfunctional family without my knowing. Really, I’m telling the truth. I don’t know how I was tricked into becoming a Pendragon member. All of a sudden I was just working for them, and then things just went downhill for me, I tell you. Sometimes Mother, I miss the simplicity of Ealdor.”

 

“But after everything, we’d bore you to death within days,” her mother teased.

 

Merlin gave her a guilty look that she smiled off.

 

“Ealdor was great to raise you in, but Camelot is where you belong,” Hunith’s smile turned slightly sad. “You must give Arthur more credit. He truly likes you.”

 

“And if he were to find out the truth, I would be dead,” Merlin said bitterly.

 

“Do you really believe that to be truth? Or is your head deceiving you in fear?”

 

“Oh Mother…” Merlin shook her head. “I will go retrieve us some wood. I will be back.”

 

Leaving her mother behind, she hurriedly ran away. In the woods, she stared nostalgically at the trees and remembered simpler times.

 

“Why’d you leave?” came Will’s blunt voice.

 

“It is too early to get into a fight with you, Will,” Merlin tiredly said, plopping down onto the grass and laying on her back as she gazed up at the lightening sky.

 

Will came next to her, gently lying down. “Sorry…it’s just, I know you could defeat Kanan on your own. I know you have the power to do so. And I am bit hurt that you had to leave.”

 

“It wasn’t my choice. My mother was worried when she found out you knew.”

 

“I wouldn’t have told anyone,” Will said earnestly, getting up slightly to lean on an elbow as he looked to her.

 

“I know you wouldn’t have.”

 

“You could take Kanan out, can’t you? What’s stopping you? Surely, not that Prince of yours. What would it matter if he knew?”

 

“Please, Will. Not right now. I don’t want to fight with you.”

 

Will looked away ashamed. “I am sorry,” he murmured, scooting closer and placing his forehead against hers. She smiled lightly, throwing an arm around his neck comfortably. Will had been her best friend since forever. This was comfortable…comfortable and familiar.

 

A throat cleared and they both looked up to see Arthur, Morgana, and Gwen. Arthur looked shocked and hurt, Morgana normal but for the slight pain and confusion in her eyes, and the confusion and dismay completely on Gwen’s face.

 

And Merlin realized what they were thinking about her friendship with Will.

 

It was for the best, she realized. Better to hurt them all now than for them to be in pain later. She had no business being with someone of Arthur’s rank. He was the Prince and required a Queen that she knew she couldn’t be. Her destiny wasn’t to be at Arthur’s side like that, it was to be his most trusted advisor –looking over him and protecting him always. She was supposed to guide him. Never mind her own platonic feelings, Morgana was also of higher status. What was a Lady like her thinking, falling for a servant like Merlin? She didn’t even know Merlin was a female. As if her gender wouldn’t be enough, the difference in social classes and Morgana’s own obligations to fulfill for her station. Gwen may seem like another matter because they shared the same social class, but it was still the same thing. Better for Gwen to hurt now than to be led on and be even more hurt later when the truth was out.

 

Will got up and she allowed him to help her up.

 

“The men are going to start training now. Just thought…I should inform you,” Arthur frowned heavily, unable to mask his hurt.

 

“I see. Let’s go watch, Will,” and Merlin purposefully grabbed Will’s hand and started to lead him back to the village.

 

That whole day, she and Will acted as they always had when she’d lived there in Ealdor. The best of friends. But every action was like a stab to the gut to her Camelot friends and she knew it. Simple things like the way she and Will leaned towards each other, the way they whispered into each other’s ear, or even the platonic touches were twisted in their minds as something more than it was. And she didn’t say anything to change their minds otherwise. She let them believe what they wanted to believe.

 

Will was braiding her hair right then. It was something he always used to do when she lived there. Uther sometimes fixed her hair up, though most of the times it wasn’t a braid. He did elaborate hairstyles, and she’d always take care not to mess her hair up that entire day. Said it was something he used to do for Ingraine.

 

A noise sounded to the left, and she carefully turned her head and saw Arthur staring, a chair knocked onto its side next to him. Will was focused on her hair and said nothing, but she watched the Prince carefully. His expression darkened considerably and a frown seemed to be permanently etched onto his face.

 

There was silence and then Arthur sharply turned and left.

 

“Merlin…are you using me to push the others away?”

 

She winced but said nothing, confirming his suspicions.

 

Will sighed, kissing her temple. “I am your friend, Merlin. I stand by your side. Whatever is going on between you and them, I will say nothing.”

 

“I’m sorry, Will. You’ve always been such a good friend to me.”

 

He gave a slight friendly tug on her hair before he began braiding again.

 

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Will slung an arm around her shoulder, laughing at something she said. When he had to go, he kissed her cheek and left, and suddenly she was approached by a hesitant Morgana. The Lady gave her a shaky smile that she returned sorrowfully.

 

“So…you and your friend Will, huh? I…had no idea you preferred men.”

 

Merlin sighed, knowing it wasn’t fair to Will and that she didn’t feel right lying straight out to Morgana.

 

“No, we’re just very good friends. There’s nothing between us like that,” she confessed.

 

She could visibly see the relief on Morgana’s face, though a tinge of red stained her cheeks.

 

“Oh. I see. Well, you two did look rather cute together. Though if you chose a man to be with, you would look much better with Arthur.”

 

Snapping her head towards Morgana, she was glad to see that Morgana hadn’t noticed the obvious attraction Arthur showed towards her and had said that only because she truly believed it. Which was kind of scary seeing how many people could see her with Arthur…

 

She gaped openly when Morgana comfortably settled herself around her, leaning on her and wrapping her arms around her right one as they started walking again. And no Gaius excuse to bail her out this time…

 

Well, Will just left and her mother was busy. No other people to use as an excuse.

 

Then again, when Gwen slipped in on her other side, she really wished she hadn’t let Will get away so easily.

 

That night, Merlin couldn’t sleep as she heard Gwen and Morgana talk about Arthur coming there mainly for one reason.

 

“We don’t stand a chance.”

 

“Arthur can’t see that. He’s too stubborn.”

 

“Why do you think he came here?”

 

“The same reason we did. Merlin. Arthur may act like he doesn’t care, but…he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t.”

 

Disgruntled, she’d woken up and grabbed Arthur at first chance, dragging him off to the forest.

 

“Planning on seducing me and planting hundreds of kisses on my lovely visage?” Arthur playfully snarked, only a hint of pain underneath.

 

“You stupid prat. I’m not with Will like that. He’s just a friend, so stop acting like a kick puppy and train those men.”

 

A mixture of relief, hope, and happiness showed on his face. “I’ll have you know, I have been training those men seriously, no matter the preoccupation of my heart and mind.”

 

She winced. “Stop that.”

 

“Stop what?”

 

“Saying silly things like that. You need to accept we can’t be together like that. Ever.”

 

“Never,” he declared. “And I’ll stick to that. My word is true and so is my feelings. I will prove that to you until my dying breath.”

 

“You call me an idiot, but you’re the bloody idiot!” she shouted frustrated.

 

He just stared determinedly at her.

 

“Arthur, you must let go of me.”

 

“I won’t and I always get what I want,” he swore.

 

She had never felt more frustrated in her life.

 

They returned back to the village, only to find Matthew’s body slung across a horse’s back, clearly dead. Will screamed blame at Arthur, running away. She was torn, wanting to go after him, but wondering if the disheartened look on Arthur’s face meant he needed her more.

 

“Arthur, please go to where we were talking earlier. I promise to talk to you, but it’ll take time. And I need to talk to Will first.”

 

“Is he more important than me?” Arthur asked bitterly.

 

“No. No…you…are the most important part of my life”

 

Surprised and wide-eyed, Arthur nodded and left. She headed to find Will at his home, seeing him packing.

 

“You are leaving, you coward?” she asked coldly.

 

“You could take care of all of this, if you would just use your magic!” Will yelled at her tearfully.

 

She averted her eyes to the ground in shame and anger.

“There are more important things happening, Will. I…can’t.”

 

“And what is more important than your friends and family? Your Prince?”

 

“Yes,” she spat out, glaring daggers at him. “His destiny is far greater than can be denied. I have to help him there, and I will not allow anything to get in the way of that.”

 

This was the Uther part of her talking, and she realized the harsh truth and the reality of her choice. Arthur was more important than anything, even her old family and friends. She would choose him over them, and it was a choice that had been made for her and that she’d come to accept and make on her own. She loved them, but her devotion to Arthur was far greater than the love she held in her heart for any of them. It was a devotion she hadn’t expected, but knew would come in time as had been shown in her visions.

 

She would do anything for Arthur, and the rest would be damned.

 

“You will abandon them?” she asked numbly, the truth of herself weighing down on her.

 

“You already have.”

 

And as much as that stung, she felt the numbness and coldness set in and an icy resolve for Arthur gave her fortitude and indifference.

 

“But at least I am here now, for them and with them until the end.”

 

She left without a backward glance, heading straight to Arthur. And there, she saw him gazing at the grass worriedly.

 

“Will’s father died in the service of King Cendred, so he doesn’t trust anyone of nobility. He will be ignored because he’s always been a troublemaker, and everyone is used to ignoring him.”

 

“What if he’s right?” Arthur’s deadened voice whispered.

 

Sitting next to him, she pulled him against her, holding him tight. “He’s not.”

 

“I’ve treated these men like soldiers, but the truth is that they’re not.”

 

“Are you losing hope?”

 

“Yes.”

 

She brushed her lips against his forehead. “Don’t. Believe in them, and they will serve faithfully. If you don’t, they will sense it and the battle will be lost before it has even begun.”

 

“That’s not fair,” he murmured, feelings his skin tingle at her touch.

 

“It’s not supposed to be,” she retorted in slight amusement.

 

She pulled him up and kissed him lightly on his lips, taking him by surprise.

 

“We can’t be together, you must understand that, Arthur. But you must know, that I l –…that I am devoted entirely to you. If you ask anything of me, other than my love, then I will grant it to you.”

 

“And what if your love is all I really want?”

 

“It is something I cannot give, and in time you will understand.”

 

Arthur slumped forward, so she lifted his head up and kissed him without thought. Only for this moment…

 

“You may be stubborn, Merlin. But I am more.”

 

And she feared that.

 

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Arthur gave a beautiful speech that night, and Gwen managed to get him to let the women decide if they wanted to fight or not. Hunith expressed the same fear Merlin had agonized over the entire stay there, of Arthur finding out about her magic. She hoped, as she told her mother, that Arthur would accept her if he was truly her friend…if he really did love her as much as he claimed.

 

When it was time for the battle, Merlin settled the chain mail around her, carefully putting on the surcoat.

 

“My father lent this to you as well?” Arthur’s voice cut into her thoughts, and she whirled around to see him grabbing Uther’s livery collar, adjusting his hold to around the top of the crest so examine it closely. 

 

“Uh, yes,” she groaned inwardly. “He said for luck. I’ve been wearing it around my left arm.”

 

He walked closer, holding the necklace out and splaying the chain open with his hands. He slipped it around her neck.

 

“Today, you should wear it around your neck proudly,” he stated calmly, correcting the necklace’s placement.

 

“Okay,” she muttered resignedly.

 

“And your…his sword,” Arthur grabbed Uther’s sword and expertly set it in the scabbard at her belt.

 

He kissed her quickly before she could say anything, moving back before she could react.

 

“For luck,” he whispered, fingers brushing against the livery collar as he stared into her eyes.

 

“The raiders have crossed the river,” Morgana interrupted, unaware.

 

“We should get ready then,” Merlin said, ignoring the bright red blush staining her face.

 

The battle wasn’t epic, but it was gritty and real and frantic. The villagers would not go down without a fight, and so they fought on determinedly, refusing to give up. And Merlin saw that and realized something. Yes, she was completely loyal to Arthur by that point. Yes, she would choose him above these people. But in the end, she was still not at the point of complete devotion and cold apathy she would in the future, and somewhere inside she truly still loved these villagers –enough to use magic to save them, regardless of the consequences.

 

And with Will having returned to fight alongside her, she really couldn’t abandon them all now.

 

Calling upon her magic, she created strong whirlwinds that sent the raiders running away. She ignored the calls of Arthur of who had done that, knowing she couldn’t speak and focused more on finishing off the raiders.

 

She looked back to see Kanan had remained and had begun a duel with Arthur, with the Prince running his sword through the leader of the bandits. Arthur stormed over to her and Will, demanding who had created the whirlwinds, and she only missed Kanan’s last attack by a second. A second too late.

 

Before she’d realized it, Will had saved Arthur and was hit with the arrow Kanan had shot at his dying breath.

 

“I’ve saved you twice, Prince,” Will smirked with difficulty, carefully laid onto the table at Merlin’s house.

 

“Twice?” Arthur questioned, distraught and glancing over at a shocked and quiet Merlin.

 

“I –I was the one who created those winds. I’m the sorcerer. I saw how desperate everything was becoming and I had to do something.”

 

“Will,” Merlin said sharply, tears marring her face and mixing into her tone.

 

“No, Merlin. It’s alright. I’d…I’d always loved you, you know. Ever since we were kids. I knew you’ve never liked me like that, but I’m so happy to have known you even as we were,” Will smiled painfully, tears running down his own face.

 

“Idiot,” she said affectionately, tearing up even more. “I love you just the same, even if not in the same way.”

 

Will’s lips twitched before he coughed up blood, panicking them. He looked to Arthur dazedly.

 

“Take…take care of her, okay?”

 

Arthur nodded numbly, feeling an undertone of shock at the unwarranted revelation.

 

Merlin grasped onto Will’s front, “You can’t die!”

 

“I was right. I told you he was going to get me killed,” Will mumbled sluggishly, becoming out of it.

 

“Will…”

 

“Destiny awaits. You’re a good woman, Merlin. A great woman. You will…f-fulfill your d-destiny. A-and t-that time will c-come for you to be e-even greater than you a-are now. A-a great servant to a great king…” Will slurred.

 

“Thank you,” she murmured, leaning down and kissing her friend’s lips, never mind Arthur being right there.

 

Arthur turned away in respect, pushing down his jealousy.

 

‘He’s a dying man, Arthur. Let him have this one respite before his death, you selfish fool.’

 

“This place has been boring without you. It was good to see you again,” Will said fondly before he closed his eyes and smiled softly. His chest stopped breathing.

 

“WILL!” she cried out, lunging forward and sobbing into Will’s front. Arthur moved forward hesitantly, wrapping his arms securely around her in comfort. She cried into his chest instead, and he said reassuring words into her ear as he stared down at the man who’d just died for him.

 

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Merlin knew she had to go back to Camelot, leaving her mother behind once more.

 

“You had better get going,” Hunith said fretfully, checking over her daughter to make sure she was alright and to memorize every detail before she left again.

 

“I don’t have to.”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you do. I’ll be fine, my darling. I know where to find you if ever I need you, so don’t worry. You belong at Arthur’s side. I’ve seen how much he needs you, how much you need him. You’re like two sides of a coin.”

 

“How familiar, those words…” Merlin sighed. “I’ll miss you.”

 

“And I you. Go on, dear. I’m so proud of you. Know that one day the truth will be known. For now, keep it secret. It is better for everyone.”

 

And so she ended up riding back to Camelot. She just hadn’t expected for Arthur to come riding up next to her and shocking her with his next words.

 

“A man, are you? I suppose when Will ask me to ‘take care of her’, he meant your mother.”

 

“Arthur,” she said anxiously, staring at him.

 

“Excuse number one nonexistent,” he said quietly. “You said I needed a Queen for an heir. You are my only Queen and I will have no other bear my children. And if you refuse, then I shall have no heir.”

 

He rode farther up front, and Merlin was unable to argue on the matter, with Morgana and Gwen coming up closer.

 

She stormed away, into Gaius quarters and into her room once they’d arrived in Camelot.

 

Arthur immediately headed for the throne room, a stoic look already plastered on his face.

 

“I don’t know what you’re planning, but I want you to leave Merlin out of it,” he demanded, the first thing out of his mouth once confronted with his father.

 

“And what makes you so sure I have anything to do with her?” Uther asked amusedly.

 

“So you already knew Merlin was a female?” Arthur gritted his teeth, glaring at the King.

 

“Of course,” he answered simply.

 

“Answer my questions,” Arthur hissed out angrily.

 

“Like I said, what makes you so sure I know anything more of her?” Uther adopted a bored tone.

 

“You lent her your livery collar, your sword, and allowed her to wear our family symbol. You must have your reasons and I want to know them.”

 

Uther laughed harshly before surprisingly handing Arthur a scroll.

 

“What is this?” Arthur frowned.

 

“A marriage contract.”

 

Arthur’s eyes flashed. “I don’t want to be married to some tedious noblewomen or princess.”

 

Uther leaned back in his throne, watching his son with dark eyes and a smirk plastered on his face.

 

“You want to marry her, don’t you?”

 

“W-what?” Arthur asked in confusion.

 

Uther took back the scroll, twirling it around his fingers. “I’ve been working on this for awhile. Thinking about it, writing and rewriting. If you want to marry Merlin, Arthur, we need to come to a deal.”

 

Arthur narrowed his eyes at his father. “What…what do you want?”

 

“It’s not what I want for myself, but what I want for this family. This marriage contract is valid, but you must agree to certain terms. First, you may not tell Merlin about any of this. She cannot know of the marriage contract that I’ve drawn up for you and her, she cannot know of its existence at all.”

 

“Done,” Arthur agreed immediately.

 

“We’re not through yet, Arthur. You must convince her to allow herself to feel for you. She is being very obstinate on that.”

 

“Tell me about it,” Arthur muttered.

 

Uther rolled his eyes in agreement. “And this is not negotiable. You must quit questioning. Look the other way, Arthur. If you start having suspicions, stamp them down and pretend they never existed.”

 

Arthur stared at him calculatingly. His father didn’t need to say exactly what he was talking about, but he knew already what he’d meant.

 

Reluctantly, Arthur nodded. “I agree to those terms.”

 

“Then, you two are engaged. She just doesn’t know about it. Yet.”

 

Arthur nodded again and turned to leave.

 

“One more thing, Arthur. Merlin cannot know that you are aware of the…relationship between her and I. Is that understood?” Uther’s voice was only slightly chilly.

 

Arthur looked at him warily. “Of course, Father. I understand.”

 

They were questionable terms, but he was serious in keeping her by his side. And he understood then that he had to do so by playing on her field and by her terms, just until he could manipulate things his way –just like how Merlin and his father seem to be manipulating a subtle web around them all.

 

He could play on their field. And he will.