Headcase Trauma

 

In the early morning, loud knocking awoke both Gaius and Merlin. They wearily saw who it was, becoming somewhat alert when they saw a little boy.

 

“The King requests Merlin’s presence,” he spoke hesitantly.

 

“This early in the morning?” Merlin grumbled to herself, already getting ready. Gaius eyed her oddly while she did so, but she didn’t notice.

 

“Alright, thank you,” she spoke to the servant boy. “I’m on my way.”

 

She left with a quick goodbye to Gaius and hurried to the King’s chambers, mumbling about the hour and what he could want.

 

“Morgana…she’s ill,” was the first thing she heard.

 

Her eyes widened, “Look here, I had nothing to do with it. I may not have said her name in my oath, but you know I would never hurt her!”

 

Uther sighed, “I know.”

 

She hated when he just answered her like that and never elaborated –wait, what?

 

“Then…why did you call me here?”

 

“I didn’t know who else to talk to,” he confessed. “Morgana is very dear to me and to see her so ill…I’ve already sent for Gaius to come see her, but I felt I needed to talk to someone now. If you don’t mind me talking.”

 

It was a rare, vulnerable moment for him, she knew, and the King looked eerily defenseless in that moment. Almost like Arthur at times, and for that she’d allowed herself to soften.

 

“Morgana’s father was a close friend of mine, loyal and trustworthy. He’d gone into battle for me one time, and lost his life. I’d promised him I’d take care of Morgana…but I fear she holds a grudge against me for ordering her father into battle. We clash more than we get along, and for that I am sorry. It is my temper and unwillingness to listen. She is like a daughter to me and to lose her would bring me great pain.”

 

Merlin hesitated before laying a hand on his shoulder in comfort. “She will be fine. Do not worry of that. Gaius will cure her.”

 

Uther nodded and together they walked to Morgana’s rooms, seeing Gaius already at work. He looked surprised to see them enter together, but he didn’t say anything of it and instead reported on Morgana’s well-being.

 

“She has an inflammation of the brain,” Gaius directed to Uther, and Merlin walked away from the King’s side and towards Morgana, examining her. She barely heard Gaius exclaim that he had no idea what was the cause and was at a loss on what to do for her. Instead, she gently touched Morgana’s face with her fingertips, lifting it slightly and moving it side to side, taking note of what she saw.

 

“Merlin?” Gaius’ voice interrupted her thoughts.

 

“I apologize,” she said distractedly. “Something…feels off.”

 

Merlin narrowed her eyes and focused on Morgana, unintentionally ignoring everything else. She even missed Arthur coming in, though he looked startled to see them all gathered there together, and telling them about Edwin Muirden and his “remedy to cure all ills.” She heard it and took note of it, but it was more like background noise. Her attention was solely on the unconscious Morgana.

 

“Are you certain there is nothing you can do, Gaius?” Uther asked him anxiously.

 

“I’ve already given her what I can, but I feel it is too late.”

 

“So quick and sudden…” Uther muttered worriedly. “Arthur, fetch this Edwin Muirden. We must allow him a chance at least, for Morgana’s sake.”

 

“Edwin Muirden,” Merlin murmured to herself quietly. She frowned.

 

Something was wrong.

 

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Edwin Muirden. He walked in calm and collected, charming Uther and seemingly sympathetic, but all of her instincts and her magic were screaming that there was something wrong with him. She waited with the others as Edwin worked on Morgana, but she felt on edge. And everyone knew it too, if the dark look on her face and her tense posture was any indication.

 

Edwin swept in and bowed to Uther, “I have news, Your Majesty. It is not an inflammation of the brain that has beset the Lady Morgana, but was in fact a cerebral hemorrhage.”

 

“Is there a cure?” Uther asked worried, and she nearly snarled aloud. Something about Edwin upset her, and to see Uther clinging to the hope this man gave was actually distressing her. She hated to admit it, but Uther had grown on her and she would not take well to this man abusing the trust Uther was desperately throwing at him. Never mind the fact he was accusing Gaius indirectly of incompetency. At least Arthur didn’t seem to put any faith to the man, and was only hoping for a miracle and Morgana’s well-being.

 

“She’s awake. Go on and see for yourself,” Edwin smiled humbly at them, but she heard the hidden smugness in his tone.

 

Her eyes flashed gold in her anger and she didn’t move as the others hurried to Morgana’s side. Instead, she turned sharply on her heel, eerily reminiscent of father and son’s way of exit when upset, and strode away. She hadn’t notice a pair of curious eyes who had witnessed the quick change of color of her own.

 

At her destination, she coolly observed Edwin’s rooms, remembering she had been there briefly to help the man grab his equipment and to bring it over to the castle. The alchemy tools were interesting, but not the focus of her attention. However, she continued to look around as she waited for Edwin to return so she could confront him.

 

Her eyes narrowed as she caught sight of a wooden box. Opening it, she was confused to find dead beetles in it. Closing the box, she noticed a magical enchantment seemed to be carved into the wood and spoke it aloud. Alarmed to hear an odd buzzing after, she opened the box again and was surprised to see the beetles alive.

 

“Impressive,” Edwin spoke, suddenly behind her. She shut the box quickly and whirled around to face him, accidentally knocking a vial of strange powder on its side and spilling its contents.

 

“Uh sorry,” she muttered, wide-eyed. In her surprise at his appearance and the sudden knowledge he was a fellow sorcerer, it was not hard to act the idiot she was supposed to be.

 

“Don’t be. It’s quite alright,” he said as he invoked an incantation and the powder swirled into the air and then back into the vial that had been put upright. “Easily fixed,” he smiled, and it was the first genuine smile she’d seen him give.

 

“I-I see,” she stuttered.

 

“It is curious to find such a powerful sorceress. You should not be afraid to use your magic.”

 

“I-I’m not a sorceress. Wait, how did you know I was a girl?”

 

“You don’t have to deny it from me. I won’t tell a soul. Our kind needs to stick together, right? We must protect each other’s secrets. And as for how I could tell you are a woman, not a girl dear, I have a strange gift to see auras.”

 

She stayed quiet before turning bright eyes towards him, much more mellow towards him than she had been before, but still wary.

 

“Gaius says I mustn’t use magic,” she revealed. ‘And Uther is quite adamant I be careful and subtle.’

 

“Magic can do the world good if only we were free to use it to help, not to harm. We can do much together, you and I. I can teach you.”

 

Perhaps she had been too harsh in her initial judgment on him. She had not even given him a chance before she deemed him a threat. Maybe that was why she had felt something was wrong with him – he had been a hiding a secret, a dangerous secret. Much like the ones she kept.

 

“Seeing auras,” she started hesitantly, “can that be taught?”

 

“It is a skill that one must be born with,” he began with a wince. “But I do believe one you have. We just need to unlock it, much like I had.”

 

“When can we start?” Merlin asked eagerly.

 

He chuckled, “You may come here after my dinner with the King. It is a skill quickly unlocked. I can even teach you a few other things after.”

 

She gave him the first smile with warmth in it.

 

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She waited in Edwin’s rooms for him to come back, and he came back a little disgruntled.

 

“Are you alright? I can come back tomorrow,” she watched him worriedly.

 

He gave her a strained smile. “No, it is alright. I met…with an unfortunate friend and he reminded me of some very upsetting things. Let’s start, shall we?”

 

She grinned and waited for further instructions.

 

“Have you ever meditated before?” he asked.

 

“Somewhat,” she answered, sitting down in a crossed-legged position and closing her eyes.

 

“You must use concentration meditation. You need a closed focus, not an opened focus,” Edwin lectured, standing behind her and placing his hands on her shoulders. Starting to massage it, he spoke again. “In meditation, it is encouraged to focus on something. Focus on the feel of my hands, which will also help to move you into a relaxed state.”

 

When it was clear she was relaxed and her breathing had evened out, he started talking again. “Now, for magic-users like ourselves, meditation can be a little different. Once we’ve reached our nirvana, we can visualize our mental states. Whatever yours is, you must look for a pool of water, whatever form it has taken for you.”

 

His voice echoed into her mind as she saw herself walking towards an ornate fountain in the middle of stone castle ruins that felt ancient and powerful, even magical. It was like an odd out of body experience, and felt so surreal.

 

“Touch the pool, Merlin.”

 

Her hand reached out and the tips of her fingers brushed against the pool, and an explosion of magic burst out and encased her. It surrounded her in warmth and she felt more powerful than she’d ever felt before.

 

“Good. That pool is your source of power. Any time you need more power, this is the well you call upon and draw from. I’m assuming you’ve unconsciously done it before, or at least done it before without realizing the importance of it.”

 

“Yes, I’ve always reached down inside of me whenever I needed…more. But this…”

 

“I understand. The difference is that you don’t just know what you’re doing, but understand. By teaching you this, it allows you to call upon your magic more easily. You’ve touched on your core of magic, and for that you don’t even need to reach out to it. All you need to know is more and more you’ll have.”

 

“What next?” she whispered.

 

“Next, don’t just touch the pool of water. Dive into it. And inside, you need to call out to the magic around you, and think of auras.”

 

She did as he told her to, and then he had her open her eyes. Surprised, she did so quickly, almost blinding herself when she saw the black aura surrounding Edwin, and a muddied red swirl whirled around the black aura. Then it flashed and his entire aura shifted to a clear red.

 

“What do you see?” Edwin’s voice asked huskily.

 

“Your aura was black and had muddied red swirls, but it changed just now to a clear red.”

 

“…I see. Close your eyes again, Merlin, and focus on pulling back from that area of your magic. Your eyesight will return to normal.”

 

Following his instructions again, she opened her eyes to see Edwin smiling. It looked genuine, but part of it seemed strained.

 

“What do the colors mean?” she asked curiously.

 

“Another time. My mind is awake, so I think I shall teach you other things before you must retire. Call on your magic. Is it not easier now that you’ve physically touched your core?”

 

Merlin tried, her eyes flashing gold as she lifted up his entire table, his things still there, and levitated it for a few minutes. He was right. It was easier. Before, she usually had to wait as she called for more power, but now all she needed to do was think of needing more and it just came to her easily.

 

“Very good. Now let’s try some advance spells, shall we?”

 

And for then, she didn’t mind having to incant as much as she usually would’ve.

 

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When morning came, she was still out cold. She had stayed up all night and morning with Edwin, practicing various magic spells. She’d collapsed on her bed afterwards, and missed her early morning meeting with Uther. Usually she met with him before meeting with Arthur, and sometimes even after.

 

She was still in bed.

 

“Merlin, don’t tell me you’re still asleep!”

 

She shot up in bed, accidentally falling off. Arthur stood in her doorway, glaring at her. Squeaking, she huddled close to her bed and hid, only her eyes and up visible as she stared at him with wide eyes.

 

“I am so sorry, Arthur. I’ll get ready and tend to you in a moment. Please.”

 

Arthur raised an eyebrow at her but left, closing the door behind him. Speedily getting herself ready, she hurriedly ran to Arthur’s room and got him ready.

 

“Why are you in a hurry?” he asked, smirking irritatingly.

 

“Business,” she muttered. “Are we done?”

 

His eyebrows shot up nearly to his hairline, “Yes, but –”

 

She didn’t even wait and ran out the door, leaving him to gape after her. Once near the throne room, she slowed down and nodded to the guards before entering. Her eyes briefly showed her surprise when she saw Edwin already there. Gaius was as well.

 

“I apologize, Your Highness. I’ll wait outside.”

 

“No, it’s alright. We are done here, yes?” Uther glanced at Edwin.

 

“Yes, milord. I truly wish things could be different. Good day, Your Majesty…Gaius.”

 

Edwin left, nodding to her and smiling mysteriously. Gaius also started to leave, stopping next to her.

 

“What’s going on, Gaius?” she asked apprehensively.

 

“I’ve been dismissed, Merlin. I am sorry, but I must leave,” he gave her a sad smile. “You have been like a daughter to me. Don’t forget the great destiny ahead of you,” he whispered, only for her to hear.

 

Her lips parted in surprise, trembling upsettingly. “But…Gaius –!”

 

He shook his head and left, leaving her alone with Uther. Her head whipped around and she glared at him.

 

“Gaius has always served you faithfully! Why would you do this to him?”

 

Uther sighed, “Gaius is getting on with his age, which is proving to allow him to make mistakes.”

 

“It was just one mistake!”

 

“A mistake that could’ve proven fatal for Morgana. You know I am not willing to allow any harm to befall my family.”

 

“It is always about your family! Well, Gaius is my family,” she glared at him.

 

“Watch your tongue!” he glared back. “Your duty is to me.”

 

“No, my duty is to Arthur.”

 

He stopped short and stared at her in surprise. She glared back defiantly.

 

“I am still your King,” he said quietly, but he didn’t challenge her claim.

 

At that moment, she refused to tell him anything about Edwin being a sorcerer and left without even her usual report.

 

Deciding to cool off for the rest of the day, she determinedly focused on her tasks for Arthur, who seemed to quietly support her and even helped her out on some of her chores. The gentle smiles he sent her way gave her odd butterflies in her stomach, ones she tried very hard to ignore. She couldn’t, however, stop herself from returning some of those smiles.

 

It was when she had to give her nightly report to Uther that things became heated up again. She was contemplating not going, but she’d thought she’d sufficiently calmed down enough to deal with him. Besides, if she was honest with herself, Uther was being sincere and had very valid points.

 

But he had made it his family versus hers.

 

Knocking on his doors, she entered without any further signal, feeling rebellious.

 

“Uther, are you in here?” she called out grumpily.

 

She stopped short suddenly in confusion, seeing Edwin and Uther. Uther was on the bed with Edwin hovering over him, a small blue tinted vial on the dresser next to them.

 

“I was just treating His Majesty with his aches and pains, Merlin. If you have business with him, perhaps it can wait until after the effects of the potion have worn off?”

 

She walked closer, still confused. “Oh, well it won’t take long.”

 

“I see. Have you given any thought to where you would live? I would never just kick you out. It is a shame Gaius had to leave,” he said as he started gathering his things.

 

“Um, about that. Could you possibly work with Gaius?”

 

“I would love to, my dear. But Gaius is determined to leave. But as I’ve said, you are welcome to continue living with me,” he took a quick look at her, smiling pleasantly, though with a slight chill.

 

As Edwin was distracted, Merlin quickly glanced behind him to see Uther’s wide unblinking eyes roving around quickly until they settled on her. She touched his hand briefly.

 

‘Uther?’

 

‘Help.’

 

Clenching her jaw, she moved smoothly away from Uther and turned her attention back to Edwin, who was finishing up and turning around.

 

“I knew my instincts were right about you,” she sneered.

 

Edwin just continued smiling pleasantly. “Oh?”

 

“They were all but screaming something about you was wrong. And now you’ve proven me right! You’ve done something to paralyze Uther!”

 

“Uther, is it? I caught that the first time as well. How familiar,” Edwin smirked mirthlessly, darkly glancing at Uther as he slowly walked away from them. “And you know she is a sorceress, don’t you? Your Majesty. How hypocritical of you. I thought you’d learn your lesson, dealing with magic. First, Nimueh. Now, Merlin.”

 

“Harm him further, and I’ll kill you,” she hissed out, eyes flashing gold warningly.

 

“What devotion!” Edwin exclaimed mockingly. “He is not of our kind. He seeks to destroy our brothers and sisters,” he spat out angrily.

 

“My devotion is to Arthur Pendragon,” she declared. She looked to Uther, as if addressing the next part to him.“…And also to Uther, for as long as he is King,” she finished quietly.

 

Edwin barked out a harsh laugh. “Pitiful. Serving a tyrant who slaughters our kind. You traitor.”

 

He chanted a spell and Uther’s sword flew from its spot towards her. Her eyes flashed gold and it stopped before flying towards Edwin instead. He waved his hand and it flew off, embedding itself into a chair.

 

“Asyndran mid wind,” he smirked, violently jerking his hand towards her.

 

She crossed her arms in front of her in defense, but the cutting winds he conjured cut through her painfully, making long cuts and gashes appear on her body. Her own magic protected her from the full power of the incantation, so that she only received cuts and not severed limbs.

 

“Scufan eft neadunga,” she roared, and Edwin was slammed into the stone wall behind him. He slowly got up as she unwillingly took a breather, badly hurt from the gashes she’d received from his winds.

 

“I underestimated you,” he chuckled darkly. “I didn’t think you would be this powerful. I shouldn’t have taught you to find your magical core.”

 

She glared at him, “Your mistake.”

 

He threw out his hand but her eyes flashed gold first and she yelled out her incantation first, “Abeornan!”

 

Edwin caught on fire and he snarled, distracted at he attempted to put the fire out. Taking advantage of his distraction, she ran towards him, using her magic to speed her up and grab Uther’s sword from where it was embedded, a feat that would have been impossible at her speed and the fact she took only a moment to pull it out. But her magic empowered her movements and she was glad Arthur had taught her the move she was about to use, tossing the sword through the air and it embedded itself in a new target.

 

Edwin Muirden.

 

He coughed out blood and smiled at her, eyes dark. “You’ve been taught well.”

 

She didn’t say anything, knowing she could’ve said Gaius had taught her well or even Uther. But she acknowledged his part in teaching her, so said nothing.

 

“He will die within hours. It’s too late for the King.”

 

“I will save him,” she stated firmly.

 

“We could’ve been great together. We could’ve ruled this kingdom as one…bring magic back, as it should be,” he coughed out again, and blood dribbled down his mouth.

 

“My destiny is at Arthur’s side,” she said softly. “Serving him willingly and watching over him for as long as I can. And to that end, my loyalty extends to Uther.”

 

“Shame,” and he closed his eyes and died without another word.

 

Heaving huge breaths, her eyes darted to Uther and she tried to hurry to his side. Grimacing in pain, she examined the King and knew that one of Edwin’s beetles was the cause. Taking one big breath, she looked to Uther.

 

“Do you trust me?” she looked into his eyes.

 

He just stared.

 

“Bloody hell, you can’t even tell me anything. What am I expecting?”

 

She hesitated and remembered before, so she tentatively touched his hand.

 

‘Yes.’

 

She was surprised at his answer, and the fact that had worked in the first place, and held up her hands.

 

“Then wait to execute me later, after a head start,” she spoke, holding her hands on either side of his head and her eyes swirled gold.

 

After a few moments, she’d drawn the beetle out and Uther had fainted. At that moment, Gaius burst into the room. Her uncle glanced at her and the King, and then at the body of Edwin on the floor.

 

“I missed everything, didn’t I?”

 

“Yup.”

 

Looking at the beetle in her hand, he grinned. “Has anyone ever told you you’re a genius?”

 

“You certainly haven’t.”

 

“Well, you’re a genius.”

 

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“It's all ridiculous. I didn't save Uther. You did.”

“No, no. For once, I'm happy for someone else to take the credit. You were prepared to sacrifice your life to save me.”

“Where do you get that from?”
 

“I thought...”

“No. I didn't do anything. You saved me and you saved Uther.”

 

“Thought I’d execute you, really…” Uther muttered.

 

Merlin shrugged, “I did use magic on you.”

 

“You saved me, brat.”

 

“Magic.”

 

He growled, but she just smirked back.

 

“I thought you were going to let me die,” he echoed words she’d said some time ago.

 

She huffed, “Thought so too, but then I realized you’d probably haunt me in death. You’re less troublesome this way. At least, I can sometimes get peace from you.”

 

Uther rolled his eyes, “Well, you know Muirden seemed…obsessed a bit with you.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“He was insisting that it was alright you lived in your same room, in his new quarters. And he gave you quite heated looks.”

 

Merln paled, blanching. Then she remembered the aura colors she had read up on while waiting for Uther to get better, where black had meant lingering resentment and unwillingness to forgive and muddied red had been anger (which she knew now had been towards Gaius and Uther). But clear red had meant passionate, powerful, and…sexual.

 

She blanched again, “I have to go!”

 

Running out, she sought out Arthur’s company and unthinkingly hugged him from behind.

 

“Well, isn’t this a pleasant surprise. What’s got you all flustered, Merlin?” Arthur smugly smirked, turning halfway and putting an arm around her smoothly.

 

She stepped back away quickly, haughtily turning her nose up at him. Punching his shoulder lightly, she shrugged.

 

“I was feeling disturbed. Thought your ego would turn it to annoyance.”

 

He laughed and shocked her by pulling her in closer again, and embracing her.

 

“That’s really why you decided I deserved a hug?”

 

“It…wasn’t a hug,” she muttered.

 

His lips brushed against her forehead. “It wasn’t?” he whispered.

 

“Your presence is soothing,” she murmured thoughtlessly, involuntarily closing her eyes.

 

This had been the sort of thing she had been looking to find when she rushed to find Arthur. The loving (reluctantly she admitted this) and caring feel of him, as opposed to the sickeningly feeling she got when she learned that Edwin had desired her in that way.

 

She almost expected him to say something like, “Don’t forget to muck out my stables” and ruin the moment.

 

She was surprised when he wrapped his arms around her instead. Reality crashing in on her, she shoved her way out of his hold and awkwardly cleared her throat.

 

“I-I have duties to do. Well then, I’ll be on my way.”

 

“Don’t forget to muck out my stables.”

 

She knew it. But then, she’d ruined it first.