Amazing Grace
When she next awoke, she hadn’t expected to already have visitors already, much less the Queen and King having (apparently) sat by her side and watched over her the whole time. She was at once surprised and weirded out. Still, it was a nice thought too…
“Oh, you’re awake!” Igraine smiled and squeezed the hand she was holding gratefully.
Merlin gave an awkward smile and squeezed the Queen’s hand back.
“If I had known you were to do that or something equally reckless, I would have ordered you to stay in bed…had you not yet again saved my Igraine,” Uther said dryly.
Her awkward smile turned sheepish and she could only offer him a shrug he rolled his eyes at.
“Oh, Merlin, my brother is coming later. I’d like you to meet him. He’s the oldest of us, then myself, and then our younger brother,” Igraine explained eagerly.
Huh, she knew Merlin’s name. Maybe Gaius had told her or they’d heard her when she dazedly congratulated herself after saving Igraine the first time.
Not sure about anything, Merlin decided she’d go along with it. She really hadn’t thought anything through, and she hadn’t thought what was going to happen after.
Was she stuck there?
“That’s fine,” she mumbled, worrying the other two, who immediately noticed her abrupt change in demeanor.
“Merlin, what’s wrong?” Igraine gently asked, as kind and gentle as Merlin had heard from others she would be.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen from here,” Merlin decided honesty was the best policy for then. “I want to go back. Can I go back? What will happen if I go back? What will be different? What will be the same? Or will I be going back to my time that has become completely separate from this time? Or what if I’m stuck here? What will I do then? Where will I stay? Where would I go? What would I do?
“I was being stupid. I hadn’t thought anything through. All I knew was that everyone was dead and the thought popped into my head that your death was what caused everything and everyone to be messed up, and if I could prevent it everything would be all better. I just started gathering the materials for the ritual to bring me back in time and just did it. I had no plan. I wasn’t thinking. I just did. And now I’m lost. I don’t know what to do.”
Merlin was pretty sure her despair was full blown and obvious, and a pretty masochistic part of her brought up Arthur and Gwaine’s voices, teasing her about being melodramatic.
Embarrassingly, she let out a sob.
She missed the looks Igraine and Uther sent each other, before Igraine settled herself closer to the younger woman and pulled her into a hug. Uther then sat on her other side and took one of Merlin’s hands.
“Perhaps all that is true, and certainly it is problematic. But this, I can promise you, that if you are stuck here, I will give you sanctuary for as long as you live. You will have a home here, in Camelot, and live in this castle and live and be served as if you are royalty yourself. You will not have to worry about your place in this world,” Uther promised to her.
Merlin blinked, staring. Oh Goddesses, this Uther was so much nicer…
“How do you guys even know I’m telling the truth?” she muttered, refusing to acknowledge the pout on her lips.
“You’re a horrible liar,” Igraine surprisingly said.
Merlin blinked again.
“When you first awoke, I heard from several servants the excuses and lies you gave out, trying to get out of bed early,” Igraine smiled apologetically. “And…even though I’ve only known you for a short time…your face is such an open book.”
If Merlin could face palm in Igraine’s arm, she would have. Instead, she sighed and hung her head.
Okay, she wasn’t the best liar…but she should be alright. She did okay keeping her magic a secret all those years, didn’t she?
“Fine, okay. I get it. I suck at lying. Gaia, you are just like your son,” Merlin full out pouted this time.
Igraine’s eyes lit up and Uther looked at her in intense interest.
“Please, would you tell me more about him?” Igraine eagerly asked.
Merlin hesitated, so Uther added on.
“If you are worried about the future, if you have change things as they were, then the future is different. So you should not have to worry about changing things or telling us something that could affect the future, if things have truly been changed.”
Merlin winced, but resigned herself to something.
“Arthur was…kind,” they caught the ‘was’ and frowned. “He was also a prat and I remember repeatedly calling him on it, despite him being a prince and me being his maidservant.”
“You were his servant?” Igraine’s eyebrows flew up.
Merlin grinned slightly. “It was a long story.” But their looks prompted her. “Involving daggers, vengeful sorceress moms, saving Arthur from both…and apparently King Uther deciding my reward is to be Arthur’s servant.”
Igraine elbowed her husband sharply, giving him a strange look. Uther shrugged at her.
“I don’t know. I’m sure…I had a good reason for it,” Uther gave his alternate future self a lame excuse. “And it’s Uther, as Igraine will be sure to make you call us without a title. It is only right, as we consider you equal for your deeds.”
“Still, Arthur is a male,” Igraine frowned. “It was rather inappropriate to have assigned such a young, pretty girl as his personal servant. And as it is Igraine, don’t forget.”
“It was fine,” Merlin reassured them, inwardly rolling her eyes at their insistence. “It was easier on me when I had to protect Arthur and save him from danger and assassinations.”
The royals stared at her in horror and she held up her hands in placation.
“Another time,” she promised. “Anyways, he could be a prat, but he had his noble moments –especially once he met me and started to change a bit. I never noticed, but a friend of ours noted it and told me. He had your blonde hair, Igraine, and your eyes. But he was totally Uther in attitude and behavior. He was…a good man,” Merlin said wistfully, looking off into the distance.
“Did he die?” Igraine hesitantly asked, feeling a pang in her heart at the thought.
“It’s why you’d come to this time,” Uther murmured, putting it together.
“He and others,” Merlin muttered darkly. “Protecting him was my life’s duty. I’m sorry I failed and couldn’t protect him like I should’ve,” she apologized to them.
“You did what you could. And then you’ve taken measures to go beyond, coming here and trying to correct all the mistakes that had happened,” Uther firmly said.
She really did like this Uther. He was human. He wasn’t the boogeyman from her childhood, and he wasn’t the man she was afraid of and sometimes hated (but mostly felt pity and sorrow for) in the days she’d served under him while being Arthur’s servant.
He had been, at the least, a good man, father, and King. Maybe not to her kind, and maybe Arthur had always felt insecure about his relationship with his father, but Merlin understood the Uther she’d known, at least.
They were interrupted by a servant knocking and informing the royals that Igraine’s brother had arrived and was waiting for them in the hall.
“Wonderful!” Igraine clapped her hands, standing up with a large smile on her face. “Merlin, you must meet my brother. You’ll like him, I’m sure. But he’ll love you!”
Uther shook his head at his wife, before turning to the same servant and saying something quietly to them that Merlin couldn’t hear. The servant left and returned back with a pretty dress that Merlin looked at curiously. And then the servant was coming towards her with it and she was shaking her head vehemently.
“No, no, no. That is way too extravagant for me and it’s hardly the clothes that I can wear to protect you efficiently,” Merlin protested.
Igraine pouted and it was so strange on the person…but very effective as Merlin was easily caving.
“Nonsense, it’ll look gorgeous on you. Besides, you aren’t a servant here and you more than deserve special treatment.”
“And you aren’t going to be protecting anyone,” Uther said firmly, giving her a look.
She grumbled, but really –she never really listened to Arthur, she wouldn’t be listening to his parents.
But she consented to wearing the dress, if only to make up for the not listening to the ‘protecting’ part (not that they knew that). If Igraine was anything like father and son, and Uther was like the other him Merlin was more familiar with, then she was certain trouble would be attracted to the family. She couldn’t afford not to keep them safe, especially since she’s changed everything and had already kept them alive so far.
She couldn’t fail this, not anymore.
She allowed the servant to lace up her dress, before waving them off and refusing to get anymore fixed up. She met with Igraine and Uther waiting for her out of her room, and walked with them to the hall, where apparently Tristan de Bois was waiting for them.
Merlin bit her lip, lost in thought about the man. She knew absolutely nothing about this person. All she knew was that he’d come after Uther, probably around this time, blaming him for Igraine’s death and challenging him to a duel to the death. Everything else after that was just that he’d come back as a wraith, due to Nimueh’s doing because the witch had harnessed the man’s rage and grief into that form. She frowned at the thought, and inwardly thought more distasteful things about Nimueh…
She had to cut her thoughts off when they’d arrived at the doors, that were pushed open to him. She walked behind the King and Queen, showing them deference, when Igraine eagerly grabbed hold of her hand tugged her closer, putting her right by her side.
“Tristan, brother, I’d like you to meet a good friend of mine and Uther’s. She’s saved my twice,” Igraine reversed her tight grip into something more gentle as she pushed Merlin forward to meet with the tall man.
Merlin gave Igraine and Uther a wide-eyed look before she was pushed a little too much and ended up stumbling and bumping into Igraine’s brother, who steadied her easily.
She looked and was about to thank him, when the words died in her throat from her first glimpse of Tristan de Bois. Clear crystal blue eyes, raven hair that was tousled, and a very cut figure made him…wow. Her vocabulary was failing her and she could already hear her friends’ voices laughing at and teasing her.
“Thank you,” she forced out anyways, voice coming out breathily.
“You’re very welcome,” he murmured, eyes never leaving her own blue-eyed gaze.
A cough sounded behind them and they looked a moment longer at each other before slowly turning to look at the culprit, though he was still holding onto her. Igraine looked rather surprised but delighted (for whatever reason on both emotion), and Uther was simply observing and a little curious.
“So, Tristan, this is Merlin. Merlin, my brother,” Igraine continued.
Tristan and Merlin coughed in embarrassment, taking a step back from each other as he let go of her reluctantly. They exchanged polite pleasantries and then they were being served lunch.
When Tristan left to get settled in for his stay and then take a look at Camelot’s knights a little after, Merlin accompanied Igraine and Uther to Arthur’s nursery. She smiled at the sight of the tiny little babe, and her hands itched to grab him and hold him close. But that was first Igraine and Uther’s right, so she refrained and kept herself in check.
“He’s so tiny,” Uther whispered in awe, his hands reaching out to get Arthur, before he retracted them and just hesitantly stared at the baby.
And even Igraine refrained, staring at her baby tenderly but looking almost afraid to touch him. Merlin couldn’t help gaping.
“…Have neither of you even held Arthur since he was born?” Merlin asked in confusion.
Both parents flinched, but Uther spoke for his quiet wife.
“…We’ve visited him all the time, when we weren’t with you. We just…have not held him. We’ve watched him be changed, fed, and everything. He’s just so…tiny and fragile and so delicate. I’ve never held a babe before. And Igraine has not either. I was the youngest of my siblings, and Igraine had not been allowed to hold onto Agravaine…neither of us wish to just hand Arthur’s raising to nannies and caretakers. The two of us had always wanted to be hands on in raising children, but…”
Merlin stared wide-eyed at the monarchs. Well hell…she hadn’t exactly expected this. She’d thought at least Igraine would know something, but it seems royal life was not one to teach life lessons like this…
And well, not being able to hold your child would suck. And what they were not saying was being said loud and clear. They didn’t know how, and was afraid to just try. The others taking care of Arthur so far would not think of the royals not being able to hold their child, and would never presume that the two wouldn’t know how because of stations. Gaius was likely never told, because they were embarrassed of such a fact.
Merlin picked up Arthur showed them clearly where she was placing her arms and hands. And then she rocked baby Arthur, who was quiet and gazing up at her with the most adorable look on his face, a small smile on his little lips. She smiled slightly before she focused back to the present and looked to the two. Igraine stepped up first at Merlin’s questioning look and hesitantly held out her arms.
Merlin gently transferred Arthur over to her, adjusting Igraine’s hold a little, and then stepping back with a large smile.
“You just have to let your parental instincts take over,” Merlin murmured. “Just be a little more confident and everything’ll be fine.”
Igraine cooed at her son and Uther shifted closer, hesitantly reaching out with a gloved hand. Arthur’s tiny little hand grabbed onto Uther’s and held it tightly, gazing up at him with wide cornflower blue eyes.
“He’s beautiful,” Uther smiled slightly, eyes softening towards his son.
Igraine turned and lifted Arthur up to Uther, who hesitated even more before giving in and taking a hold of Arthur.
Merlin smiled softly at the family closely standing together.
No, she didn’t regret doing what she did at all.
~*~*~
“Do you think my mother would be proud of me? Or…my father?”
Merlin blinked in surprise at the question, but grinned fondly at her King. She ruffled Arthur’s blond hair and gave him the most sincerest smile she could.
“She would think you are the best King in Camelot’s history,” Merlin declared. “And your father…despite the things he disagreed with and the things you are doing differently from him, His Highness would have been proud of you and loved you to the very end. He gave his life for you and once said you meant more to him than his own life and of the whole kingdom itself.”
“More than Morgana?” Arthur bit out bitterly.
Merlin’s smile faltered.
Merlin woke up abruptly, feeling herself agitated and the remnants of the dream eating at her long after it was over. Unable to go back to sleep, she paced restlessly in her rooms before fleeing them and going through the memorized route to Arthur’s nursery. She blinked back tears as she stood over him, watching the little baby version of a man she’d once served faithfully.
She reached down tentatively and grabbed onto Arthur, bringing him from the crib to be cradled lovingly in her arms. She spent the rest of the night trying to keep herself from crying, rocking Arthur to comfort herself. She fell asleep in the rocking chair, holding tightly and protectively onto Arthur.
It was to this that Igraine and Uther walked into, tear tracks clearly dried onto the Merlin’s face and their son cozily held in her arms. Arthur was already awake, but clearly comfortable and safe with Merlin, so they just had their breakfast brought into their, with one plate ready for Merlin. They didn’t bother waking her up, letting her sleep. They did take Arthur from her, and started feeding him, though Arthur cutely made some fuss for a bit before relenting.
Merlin woke sometime after they’d finished breakfast, blearily opening her eyes to see Uther playing an odd eye game with Arthur.
“Peek-a-what?” she mumbled, letting out a yawn after.
“Peek-a-boo,” Uther corrected, still playing with his son.
Igraine just watched happily, enjoying the moment.
“Okay, okay –I’m getting tired, Arthur,” Uther sighed, ticking his son’s nose.
“You know, I don’t even know if you guys were alright naming him that. I just sort of came in and name him for you, just because I knew the future or something,” Merlin winced.
Igraine waved it off. “Don’t worry. It’s a fantastic name and Uther and I hadn’t been sure of names before anyway.”
“It was on my list of potential boy names,” Uther revealed.
Merlin hmmed, starting to make sparkly lights for Arthur, who clapped his tiny hands together and watched with wide eyes. Merlin smiled fondly, as did Uther and Igraine who were watching the interactions.
She started to make shapes and then things with the lights, before she started creating pictures. She created an entire adventure with them, making knights and horses and princesses…
Later, she had decided she was going to go to the training grounds and see how Camelot’s knights faired against the ones she remembered from the future, curious to see the difference.
Instead, she was seeing Tristan again.
He was sparring against one of the knights, shirt off as he elegantly danced around and parried and thrust with his sword against his opponent. The fight was obviously in his favor, and he was clearly an experienced and very talented fighter. She was actually impressed and might actually reluctantly say Tristan was better than his nephew. Well, Arthur of the future.
He took down his opponent, who finally yielded. He caught sight of her and started jogging over, surprising her by doing so.
“Should you be coming over to here?” Merlin raised an eyebrow.
Tristan stopped by her side and gave her a grin. “I don’t see why not. You are here. I wanted to come over.”
Her lips twitched up. “Touché. You’re pretty good out there.”
“Why thank you, milady,” his eyes were twinkling. “I was just wondering...are you married, Lady Merlin?”
“I’m not a Lady,” she corrected. “And no, I’m not. I’ve never actually…had time for much romance,” she frowned, thinking on it.
Truth be told, she really had been too busy thinking about her duty and saving everyone all the time to really go out dating anyone. There had been Edwin…and Freyan…and…actually, that was pretty much it. There was a little flirting with Gwaine in the beginning, but afterwards she’d been too focus on her duty (again) to really start anything serious.
And Arthur…
She’d been told by plenty people that the Prince/King had affections for her, but she…well, just a little…bust mostly she didn’t (and Gaia, did she feel like there was something honestly wrong with her that she couldn’t return Arthur’s feelings).
“Anyways, again –no. Why?” she asked him curiously.
“No reason, really,” but he was still grinning and when he took her hand, he kissed it while never taking his eyes off of her, crystal blue eyes full of meaning.
Merlin sported a full-on blush.
She was still mulling over it later as she was gathering materials to attempt a return to her own timeline, alternate now that it was. However, there were still the problem of two pesky monarchs who were determinedly following her and stubbornly wished to watch and make sure everything was alright and to see her off if it was successful. Gaius had been pulled into, though he too wished to see her off and to make she was okay in the attempt. Arthur had been left with Alice in his nursery in the meanwhile.
“Honestly, it’ll be alright,” she glanced back at the trio.
“Good, okay,” all three chorused, still following her.
She sighed and rolled her eyes, and dumped her stuff onto the ground. She pointed a little ways away from her and glared pointedly.
“Over there. Don’t come closer.”
Igraine pouted, but allowed Uther to pull her away and moved towards the area. Gaius frowned, glancing between there and where Merlin was, until Merlin practically growled.
And then she was repeating the ritual, using baby Arthur’s hair this time.
‘Course, she should’ve expected something to go wrong. Lightning doesn’t strike twice, after all.
Although, she hadn’t expected to be literally struck by lightning.
Vaguely, hearing Igraine’s scream and the pounding of footsteps towards her, Merlin smiled to herself weakly and thought she might’ve been cursed or something.
Or the Old Religion really, really hated her.